I am good most days, I am pumped about fostering. I love hoping, dreaming and imagining where this road is taking us. For the first time in a long time, I looked at the baby furniture on IKEA and didn't get up upset. Instead I thought about what a comfort a warm, safe bed or crib will be for the children we will have in lives through fostering. I don't think we are going to save the world, just make a real difference in one child's life and that brings me joy.

But this weekend has been hard. I was doing lots of church things and found out two more women are pregnant that I am close too.  Within the past month, three other pregnancies have been announced. We also had a baby dedication at church,  we would have dedicated our baby today, had we not miscarried. This makes me deeply sad. 

It also makes me angry that I just can't purely celebrate with these friends. I hate that so many joyous events have been tainted by my infertility and miscarriage. I hate that no matter how hard I try not to, they have become part of my life lense. I don't want to look through them at everything. But they are part of my life's story and I feel like it would be disrespecting part of me, by trying to ignore them (not that I really could). I am trying to understand how to honor my story, without letting it overtake me, just haven't found a way to do that yet.

Here I am Lord and I’m drowning in Your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me, I yearn for peace and rest" - Casting Crowns, "East to West"